Primary Relationship - Kids or Husband?

While my relationship with my children is very very very important to me, I think it is important and necessary that I am able to love and devote myself to someone other than them. Otherwise I will be a wreck when they are grown and have a life independent of me. I know women like this; older women whose children are grown and they have no life, they don't know what to do with themselves and are wrapped up in their adult kids just as much as they were when they were children.

I also think it's important for me to have a whole love outside of my children because if something happened to them, have mercy! If some disaster struck and took one or all of my babies, I don't think I would live the way things are now. I'm not saying I would kill myself, I am saying I think that my heart would literally stop if my children died. And I don't think that's ok. I know that I am a separate, complete human being besides being their mother. This is something I have such a hard time with understanding though, sometimes I have to displace myself and put the situation on my daughter or sons. I'll tell myself, what if they had a child and that child died, wouldn't it be crazy and a shame if they just died because of it?? Of course it would be, because I can see that my children are wonderful shining stars just unto themselves. and so am I. Not because I am their mother but because I am me. So nurturing myself, having a relationship with myself is primary. Then my kids/husband.

Now while I work hard at being a good mom, my children love me no matter what and have always loved me. From day one. They have always thought that I am a wonderful fantastic being. I remember when they were small, when I would come home from work or school or wherever they would rush me and cheer like I was a rock star. It would take a lot of bad parenting, years and years of neglect and/or abuse, for my kids not to love me. For most kids to not love their mother. My husband? That is a relationship that is not a given. It takes work, and devotion, to sustain our love, to manage it, to have a relationship. And according to law, he is my closest relation now. If something were to happen to me, like I'm in a coma or something, it would be my husband who would make medical decisions for me. Not my kids even if they were grown, and not my parents.

These are the reasons I feel my relationship with my husband is or at least should be my primary relationship besides the one I have with myself. It is not there yet by any means, but after 11 years of being together I am starting to think he just might be permanent, ha. And after 18 years of motherhood, I am just starting to realize that though they will be my children forever, their childhood is not permanent. I have to let them go and have their own adult life. I have to be myself, a woman, defined by other things than motherhood.

Last but not least I value love and I want my children to have a deep and wonderful love of their own when they are grown. I want them to trust and believe in love and commitment. Growing up and seeing this, seeing how my husband and I value and love each other separate from being parents is important for them. My folks are still married and I've had the impression that they valued their relationship with each other just as much if not more than being parents to their children. I didn't feel less loved or cared for because of it.

That said, if I ever had to choose between them, my kids would win hands down, no contest. So while in theory I think my marriage should be my primary relationship, until my kids are all grown they are my primary relationship.

What do you think? Which is your primary relationship, your children or husband?