Take the Long-range View of Marriage

I will share some things that helped us. When Brian and I were going to get divorced a couple of years ago but decided to stay together we got a lot of feedback from others and a lot of helpful advice. One of the best things I was told and I learned to apply to my marriage was that I should always understand that my husband's perception is valid for him. He may be dead wrong or he may be half-right, whatever, but his feelings and his viewpoint is valid. I shouldn't dismiss it out of hand or feel that my feelings trump his, and vice versa. I should listen to his viewpoint and ask him, what can I do to help change things? This really helps and it brought us closer together, talking and listening to each other's viewpoint and then sitting down together to make a plan that addressed whatever the problem was.

Another thing that we learned that helped was that couples tend to mirror each other. So if I was acting funky Brian would pick up on that and start acting funky, then I would respond to that with more anger/acting out, then he would start acting out, and so on so forth. Now we try to nip this in the bud. For instance if Brian is upset I try not to take it personally even if it's directed toward me; I smile and cuddle him up and ask him if hes ok and that usually mellows him out. Or if I'm upset at something he said or did and get to acting irate, instead of getting defensive or shutting down emotionally like he used to he pulls me close and apologizes and gets me to laugh. Frequently touching and smiling at your partner works wonders.

A friend of mine who has been married for 40 years told me this: Brian is my closest relation now under law so when I am pissed with him I should remember that. Sometimes my parents or sisters or brothers or cousins and even my kids piss me off, but I would never consider leaving them or no longer having them in my life. So when I am upset with Brian I should think about that and understand that I married him for life; divorce isn't even an option unless it's a dire, extreme circumstance. I was/am so glad she told me this because it really helped me to apply the long-range view to my marriage: If I get upset with him tomorrow, for example, that doesn't mean I'll still be mad with him the day after tomorrow. And certainly in 30, 40 years I won't be mad at him about it. This really puts things in perspective for me and helped to let go of petty stuff and not nurse feelings of hurt and rancor towards my husband.

Marriage has it's ups and downs. Changing your pattern of interaction with your husband is going to be very tough but you can do it! and it's ok if you mess up. He will also mess up and he will also have a hard time changing his pattern of interaction with you...whether or not he realizes this he will be forced to change as you change; if you are no longer bossing him around that shifts the dynamic of your relationship quite a bit. Change is hard, but if you two both stay comitted and talking to each other you will make it.