What a Healthy Marriage Looks Like

My husband makes me feel safe. He is not jealous of my relationships with other people. He trusts me completely. He is proud of me. He holds me in the night. He makes me tea when I am cold and sometimes just because. He talks to me. He compliments me.

With him I am never afraid. He stops when I say no. Even when he is trembling and hard as a rock. When I say yes he is gentle and ardent and overwhelms me; I sometimes lose my senses. He laughs at my goofy jokes. His eyes light up when he sees me. He doesn't blame me or bring up my past mistakes, he believes that I am trying to change and work on my issues. He is trying to change and work on his own issues. He tells me I am a great mom. He is a great dad. He listens to me.

We are a team. We makes plans together. We both know we've messed up our money and we're getting it together as a team. We discuss our parenting and we present a united front to our kids. We like to be together, after 11 years we still have plenty of things to say to one another. We support each other in all that we do. He reads my work and tells me I am a good writer. He smells my feet after I go running and tells me he loves me anyway. This makes me laugh every time. He sometimes cleans up after himself, sometimes not. Either way he doesn't hassle me about housework. I no longer hassle him about housework either/

He holds me when I cry. He hardly ever cries but when he feels sad he leans into me and I hold him tight. We can tell each other anything; dreams, nightmares, fantasies and fears. Sometimes I take off my clothes and look in the mirror and feel flabby and gross and ashamed of my body. Then I turn around and he says WOW you are fine and I look back in the mirror and see Yes indeed I am the fine woman I see reflected in his eyes.

He is my rock. He feels like my home.

Is Living Together Before Marriage Beneficial?

Practically speaking, if you and your beloved live together first, that can be a good indication of what it will be like when you are married. You learn as much about yourself as you do about the other person when you live with them. Being with each other every day will teach you both what you individually need to balance yourself as well as teach you the things you need together. Marriage just furthers all this legally and financially.

Now some men feel differently about a wife than they do about a girlfriend, live in girlfriend or not. My husband and I were together for 3 years before we got married and lived together for 2 years of that. After we got married he got bossier and he quit doing domestic duties because he felt that since he was my husband now that meant he was the head of household. And since I was his wife now that meant I was responsible for all the domestic work. You could have knocked me over with a feather. We talked it out and he made some adjustments in his views on husband and wife responsibilities. To some extent I did too. So even if you live together, really discuss in detail what being married would mean for your relationship, what are the roles and responsibilities for each of you and how you both can be flexible and adaptable to changes in those roles and responsibilities.

And no he wasn't all, Hey you're my wife now, clean the bathroom. What he did was he stopped cleaning the bathroom. He stopped picking up after himself. He stopped doing housework. When I was like WTF?? his reasoning was well we're married now. Although knowing me he should have known better, but since I come from a background of married parents in traditional roles he just assumed I felt the same way as he did about traditional roles in a marriage. Oh yes, best believe we learned our lesson from that and have tried real hard not assume anything about what the other 'should' be doing because they are the husband or the wife.

Some things I did that caused friction was to assume that my husband would be the primary financial provider. So I would quit jobs whenever I felt like it or splurge money instead of paying bills because after all, I had a husband now. Yes, I do feel that a man should provide for his wife and children, and my husband feels this. My husband has always done this, to the point of working 3 jobs when he was in college getting his first degree, but my mistake was in assuming this and in not doing my part to lessen the hardship of supporting a family of 5 while you are also a full-time student.

It's hard to anticipate what is going to cause friction if you assume that your spouse or spouse to be is thinking the same way you do or understands how you feel. Assume nothing, talk everything as much as you can think of out before hand.

Marriage is What You Make It

Marriage is what you make of it. You don't have to have a traditional marriage. I know married people who are polyamorous. I know married people who live separately. I know married people who don't have kids and don't ever want any. These are happily married people, too. They are just as happy as we are.

By all means, marriage does mean sharing a life and a future with another person. It does mean sacrifice on both your parts because neither of you is going to get your way all the time. If you are unwilling or unable to to do this, then don't get married.

On the money issue, it's like any other issue within a marriage that a couple can decide on. Some couples choose to have joint accounts, some choose to keep separate accounts, and some choose to have both joint accounts and separate accounts. There is no reason why you have to have just a joint account, unless that is something you both want to do.

On the sex issue, if you choose to have a monogamous marriage, the benefits of this far outweigh the perceived cons i.e no variety of sex partners. I don't have to worry about catching sexually-transmitted diseases. My husband doesn't have to worry about catching sexually-transmitted diseases. This is a big deal in a world where you can die from catching a disease through sex. And even if you don't get HIV, just the regular cooties are a pain. Even if you don't get regular cooties, even the 'minor' irritations are a pain. Back when I was trying to be a fast girl, I used to get yeast infections and vaginosis frequently. It is just not safe to introduce a variety or sperm and/or different bodily fluids from other people into the vagina. I've been with my husband going on 12 years now, and in all this time I have had a yeast infection once. Some women I know who are still out there kicking it and wildin' out with strangers frequently have yeast infections, vaginosis, bladder infections, etc. No thanks!

Now of course there are safer sex practices that can help prevent or lessen your odds of getting sick in any way from having sex with multiple people. But be honest with yourself about your level of commitment in doing this. Are you really going to practice safe sex? Do you even want to? It's ok if you don't. Be upfront with anyone you wish to deal with and talk in depth about being monogamous with them before you engage sexually with them. Be clear that this is the type of marriage and/or relationship you want. This helps you reduce the amount of time you waste with people who don't want to be monogamous, and increases your odds of finding someone who truly does want a monogamous relationship.

A lot of people don't believe you can trust another person 100% not to have sex with other people, but we do. Someone even told my husband he didn't know for sure if I would ever cheat on him, and my husband said, Yes, I do know for sure. The trust and faith we have in each other frees us from being paranoid and jealous the way many married couples are.

We are intimate in our emotions, in our hearts and mind as well, and that connection makes our physical connection very intense. I don't think you can have this level of intensity during sex with a stranger. I never did, because I had my defenses up, I couldn't relax completely with someone I barely knew. Even guys I knew a while, had dated for some time, we still didn't have a deep emotional connection because we hadn't made a commitment to each other. Monogamy doesn't have to be boring, not at all. It can and should be an adventure with the person you love and are committed to.

Primary Relationship - Kids or Husband?

While my relationship with my children is very very very important to me, I think it is important and necessary that I am able to love and devote myself to someone other than them. Otherwise I will be a wreck when they are grown and have a life independent of me. I know women like this; older women whose children are grown and they have no life, they don't know what to do with themselves and are wrapped up in their adult kids just as much as they were when they were children.

I also think it's important for me to have a whole love outside of my children because if something happened to them, have mercy! If some disaster struck and took one or all of my babies, I don't think I would live the way things are now. I'm not saying I would kill myself, I am saying I think that my heart would literally stop if my children died. And I don't think that's ok. I know that I am a separate, complete human being besides being their mother. This is something I have such a hard time with understanding though, sometimes I have to displace myself and put the situation on my daughter or sons. I'll tell myself, what if they had a child and that child died, wouldn't it be crazy and a shame if they just died because of it?? Of course it would be, because I can see that my children are wonderful shining stars just unto themselves. and so am I. Not because I am their mother but because I am me. So nurturing myself, having a relationship with myself is primary. Then my kids/husband.

Now while I work hard at being a good mom, my children love me no matter what and have always loved me. From day one. They have always thought that I am a wonderful fantastic being. I remember when they were small, when I would come home from work or school or wherever they would rush me and cheer like I was a rock star. It would take a lot of bad parenting, years and years of neglect and/or abuse, for my kids not to love me. For most kids to not love their mother. My husband? That is a relationship that is not a given. It takes work, and devotion, to sustain our love, to manage it, to have a relationship. And according to law, he is my closest relation now. If something were to happen to me, like I'm in a coma or something, it would be my husband who would make medical decisions for me. Not my kids even if they were grown, and not my parents.

These are the reasons I feel my relationship with my husband is or at least should be my primary relationship besides the one I have with myself. It is not there yet by any means, but after 11 years of being together I am starting to think he just might be permanent, ha. And after 18 years of motherhood, I am just starting to realize that though they will be my children forever, their childhood is not permanent. I have to let them go and have their own adult life. I have to be myself, a woman, defined by other things than motherhood.

Last but not least I value love and I want my children to have a deep and wonderful love of their own when they are grown. I want them to trust and believe in love and commitment. Growing up and seeing this, seeing how my husband and I value and love each other separate from being parents is important for them. My folks are still married and I've had the impression that they valued their relationship with each other just as much if not more than being parents to their children. I didn't feel less loved or cared for because of it.

That said, if I ever had to choose between them, my kids would win hands down, no contest. So while in theory I think my marriage should be my primary relationship, until my kids are all grown they are my primary relationship.

What do you think? Which is your primary relationship, your children or husband?

On Being Sex-Positive

"If you don't watch her, she's going to be hot in the pants"

my maternal grandmother said, talking with my mom one day about me. I had wandered over near my grandmother's kitchen door after running around with my cousins. Always the slowest runner because of being knock-kneed and having breathing issues due to allergies, I was easily winded and quickly out of breath. So I went to rest. Kneeling on the ground, I started picking at an anthill with a stick when I felt an itch between my legs. So I scratched it, and continued messing with the ants while half-way listening to my mama and grandma talk. That's when she said it. I remember looking up and seeing the look of shame cross my mother's face, and the scornful look on my grandmother's face. I had no idea what she meant, but by both looks I knew that it was bad and I knew they were talking about me. I was all of 8 years old.

My grandmother came over to me and gave me a talk about not scratching my 'business' in public, especially not to never, ever reach down my shorts to scratch again. I said Yes Ma'am but I still had no idea what she was talking about. Later I asked my mom, What's hot in the pants? She told me We'll talk about it later. Later turned out to be 8 years later, when I was 16 and pregnant. My mother was right about you, my mom said in a fit of anger and grief over my pregnancy, you turned out exactly like she said you would. Hot in the pants

I felt then and feel now that is something to be proud of, being happy and at ease and comfortable with enjoying my sexuality. With enjoying sex, and not feeling ashamed of loving sex. My grandmother grew up in a small southern town where the rape of black women by white men was commonplace, there were people in her town who were the product of such rapes. My mother grew up in the same small town, only marginally improved. When I think on them, I am amazed and astonished at what a leap my own sexual expression must mean. and I am a heterosexual monogamously married born-female woman in case you're wondering. While for many being sex-positive means you are anything but hetero or monogamous or mono-sexed, to me it means you choose your mode of sexual expression and deeply enjoy it. Thus heterosexual monogamy is just as valid an expression of sex-positivity as bisexual polyamory. It's all about enjoying who you are, your body, and enjoying who you choose to be with.

I am a sex-positive, hot in the pants, on-fire woman. That the focus of my flame sears just one man does not lessen it. On the contrary, that focus intensifies the depth of my sexual feeling.

Though I don't recall ever discussing that particular incident again, my grandmother did talk more with me about sex and men over the years before she died when I was a young teen. Although she never got over her divorce from my grandfather (which happened when my mother was a small child) she had, given the context of her age, upbringing, and surroundings, a somewhat comfortable attitude about sex. While she was indeed fearful of sex (seeing me scratch at myself when I was 8 triggered all those feelings in her; the shame and disgust that black women of her time lived under, plus feeling that someone would see me scratching and assume it was indicative of my supposed future looseness) and what it might mean in my life as a black woman, she also gave me the sense that sex was something sacred and powerful, full of mystery and wonder. At some level I always knew that what my grandmother feared was rape and other forms of sexual assault, not sex itself. She was trying to protect me in the only way that she knew how. Unfortunately that knowledge did not protect me from assault but it did help me to heal from my own rapes and assaults as a young woman, and to again feel joy and sexual excitement when joining my body with a man's.

What Really Goes On In a Marriage

The only 2 people who really know what's going on in a marriage are the 2 people in it. Know and understand what this means. Not only does it mean that other folks can't tell you what to do with your marriage, it also means that you shouldn't even tell other folks about the inner workings of your marriage. Because all they know is what you tell them! They still don't have the whole picture. Keep folks out of your marital business, especially your friends. This causes problems, I learned the hard way. Say you get mad at your husband. You go run off talking bad about him to your girlfriends. They may then tell you how he isn't worth anything and give you a run-down on all the things they think are wrong with your man. Because you are pissed you agree whole-heartedly with their points. Then later after you and your husband have made up, it hits you what they said and you realize how negative they view your husband. So then you feel uncomfortable around your friends.

When you are angry, treat you spouse as you would a stranger or a co-worker. Think of your marriage as a workplace or school environment. You wouldn't act the fool and call your boss or co-worker out of their name or throw stuff around if you were angry at work, right? Not if you want to keep your job you don't. So when you are pissed with your spouse, don't act the fool with them if you want to stay with them.

Stay on top of your health. Stay on top of your looks. It's not just about you anymore so do what you can to keep yourself looking and feeling good. Many people think this is shallow but I think it is crucial in a marriage, especially a monogamous marriage. On health, why cause your spouse unnecessary pain and worry by engaging in stuff that you know aggravates a health condition you might have. On looks, why let yourself go? Keep your hygiene up, exercise and get or stay fit, look your best. Accidents happen, I'm not talking about scarring from an accident or as the result of cancer or even change from the normal aging process; anything like that. I'm talking about basic maintenance of your looks, hygiene and overall appearance.

Keep dating your spouse. At the very least go out somewhere together, just you two, without the kids, without any friends, at least once a month. Weekly is better but sometimes time and stuff gets in the way. Even if you can't go out together weekly, set aside the time to talk and sit together at home. Be affectionate and cuddly with your spouse and tell them you love them frequently.

Be open to personal growth in your spouse. Don't feel insecure or threatened by it. They will grow and change, especially if you married at a young age. I met my husband when he was 20 and I was 22. We started dating when I was 24 and he was 22. This year we are 35 and 33, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say we are completely different people, we have grown in many different and sometimes unexpected ways. We both have had to be flexible, encouraging, and understanding of that growth.

That said, be aware that in other ways your spouse might not ever change and you can't force any change.

To Be A Good Wife...Seriously

Ok so there was this site with a 50s poster with all this crazy primitive stuff like don't question your man on it. But in all seriousness, in your opinion what constitutes a good wife? I do not mean to exclude anyone who is not married, those of you who are single/not married I am sure you also have an opinion on this so please join in.

I am very irritated with my husband much these days, and this feeling is exacerbated by the fact that he is trying so hard, he is working really hard on himself and our relationship. But he just doesn't get what are to me fundamental ways of relating to the world, to other people, let alone me. Our marriage counselor is on vacation, so not getting to see her every week has me on edge. I am very quiet around Brian now, because I felt that the less I said the less he would say and thus the less chance for him to get on my last nerves. However, he is really trying to change and one of the things he is working on is being more open and verbal...so he is talking more. I suppose one of the things that makes a good wife is learning how to really listen to my husband.

Here is what I think makes a good wife. I am really struggling to do these things in my current state of mind...it's funny how it's so easy for me to do these things when I am all googly-eyed over Brian.Warning in advance I have some traditional views. It's ok if you don't agree with them. A good wife:

Listens to and is supportive of her husband

Is nice to husband; smiles at and touches him frequently

Does not hold grudges/past arguments against her husband

Is a fun friend to her husband

Maintains a clean and pleasant home

Cooks well and organizes meals and food shopping

Good with money/budgeting and if working a job/business, contributes money to the household

Maintains physical appearance, makes a daily effort to look cute/hot in ways husband finds appealing

Does not yell, verbally abuse or physically her husband

Tries new activities, makes an effort to learn about or like husband's interests/hobbies

Has friends and interests/hobbies of her own, does not cling to husband as sole friend

Respects husband's family ties

Makes an effort to spend quality alone time with husband (not counting sex)

Top 10 Ways to Know You're Ready to Marry Someone

1. You know when their physical characteristics become irrelevant - you can look at your partner and truly feel that it wouldn't matter to you if they lost a limb or got badly burned or scarred or whatever.

2. You know when you want to raise children with them. If you don't want kids, you'll know because both of you will be in agreement on this.

3. You know when you feel trust in them and you trust yourself to do right by them.

4. You know when you realize that although you may meet other people who are smarter, cuter, richer, funnier, etc. than your partner so what, you would never want to leave them for someone else.

5. You know when money is irrelevant...if you both just have a loaf of bread to your names you are willing to share it and be poor together and get your finances together, as a couple.

6. You know because you are willing to work together for the future.

7. You know when they fart around you, you smell it, and you want to marry them anyway.

8. You know when you think about what would happen if you had a medical emergency that they would do what you wanted.

9. You know because you have a complete being on your own and you feel ready to share your world with someone else.

10. You know because you have faith and you feel safe and secure with them.