Considering Sex Roles in a Marriage

One of my good friends who is very traditional in her marriage and general outlook on life (she is a willing!! supporter of 'benevolent patriarchy' but that is another post) tells me to consider how it may look from my husband's viewpoint: He has to work full-time to support our family (where for me as a married woman it's a choice) and to be with me, he has to do some housework and childcare, whereas I don't have to work outside the home to support our family and I get to ask him to do additional work at home on top of his working outside the home. He can't ask me to work outside the home without feeling like he's looking like a heel or like a man who won't willingly support his wife and children (and this was true; he said as much in marriage counseling how very hard it was for him to ask me to contribute more financially to our family).

That was really helpful for me to consider...it made me 'nag' him less and to be appreciative and encouraging of all the time he spends with the kids and the work he does around the house. My husband works 40 hours a week teaching, spends roughly 25 hours a week doing prep work, lesson plans, grading papers, transportation time, and on top of that spends, by my estimate, about 25 hours a week doing actual child care and housework. That's 90 hours a week working. That's 2 full-time jobs...He is actually working just as much and as hard as I am, except where time spent in what jobs are reversed, is all.

So I try to keep this in mind when it seems to be he's just lazing about on a Sunday afternoon watching football when I have lots of work to do and the kids are in my face and he's not helping out. He needs his downtime and relaxing time just as much as I do, you know? The difference between us is, and I attribute this to how we were both influenced by sexism, is that he takes his down time, whereas I still feel sorta that I have to ask for my down-time or to schedule it or whatever. I need to just start giving myself permission to just chill out and ignore the housework and even (gasp! my hands are shaking as I type this, LOL) occasionally the kids.

Mother-In Law Jealousy

Do have conflict with your mother-in-law? Believe me, I know how it is. My MIL and I used to get into it, straight up screaming at each other in the yard and crazy stuff like that. I used to get so upset that my kids liked her let alone loved her, I would ask Brian over and over Can't they see how mean she is? Of course they couldn't, because she wasn't mean to them. and truth be told, while she was quite often mean to me I did exaggerate it and blow it out of proportion and get myself so worked up! over so very little. I can laugh about it now, but I was so insecure...when our youngest was a baby he couldn't say grandma and grandpa, he'd say maka and baka instead. I was so jealous that he had a special nickname for her I'd try to get him to say grandma over and over again. Isn't that sad? He'd just laugh and clap his hands and say Maka maka maka! Where my maka?

I truly regret that I ever wasted time and heartache over this. My kids are really blessed to have her. They are close to my father-in-law as well and my parents but they really have a very close bond especially with my mother-in-law. I only had one grandparent I was close to and she died when I was only 11. I miss her to this day. I am so happy my kids have a grandmother who they are close to like this, and who lives nearby and helps us raise them.

When Your Marriage Is In Trouble & You Don't Know What to Do

What do you do when you marriage is in trouble and you don't know what to do? First thing try to talk to your partner about it. That is a big breakthrough and a huge first step to healing your relationship. I will share some things that helped us. When Brian and I were going to get divorced in 2002 but decided to stay together we got a lot of feedback from others and a lot of helpful advice. One of the best things I was told and I learned to apply to my marriage was that I should always understand that my husband's perception is valid for him. He may be dead wrong or he may be half-right, whatever, but his feelings and his viewpoint are valid. I shouldn't dismiss it out of hand or feel that my feelings trump his, and vice versa. I should listen to his viewpoint and ask him, what can I do to help change things? This really helped and it brought us closer together; talking and listening to each other's viewpoint and then sitting down together to make a plan that addressed whatever the problem was.

Another thing that we learned that helped was that couples tend to mirror each other. So, if I was acting funky Brian would pick up on that and start acting funky, then I would respond to that with more anger/acting out, then he would start acting out, and so on so forth. Now we try to nip this in the bud. For instance if Brian is upset I try not to take it personally even if it's directed toward me; I smile and cuddle him up and ask him if he is ok and that usually mellows him out. Or if I'm upset at something he said or did and get to acting irate, instead of getting defensive or shutting down emotionally like he used to he pulls me close and apologizes and gets me to laugh. Frequently touching and smiling at your partner works wonders.

A friend of mine who has been married for 40 years told me this: Brian is my closest relation now under law so when I am pissed with him I should remember that. Sometimes my parents or even my kids piss me off, but I would never consider leaving them or no longer having them in my life. So when I am upset with Brian I should think about that and understand that I married him for life. Divorce isn't even an option unless it's a dire, extreme circumstance. I was/am so glad she told me this because it really helped me to apply the long-range view to my marriage: If I get upset with him tomorrow, for example, that doesn't mean I'll still be mad with him the day after tomorrow. And certainly in 30, 40 years I won't be mad at him about it. This really puts things in perspective for me and helped to let go of petty stuff and not nurse feelings of hurt and rancor towards my husband.

Marriage has it's ups and downs. Changing your pattern of interaction with your husband is going to be very tough but you can do it! and it's ok if you mess up. He will also mess up and he will also have a hard time changing his pattern of interaction with you...whether or not he realizes this he will be forced to change as you change; if you are no longer bossing him around that shifts the dynamic of your relationship quite a bit. Change is hard, but if you two both stay committed and talking to each other you will make it.

Features of a Love Nest

My husband is still such a slob. I do not understand this about him or about anybody else who is a slob. It’s like he has no sense of aesthetics or like clutter and mess doesn’t bother him. He piles all his stuff all over both dressers and throws his clothes around on the floor. When I complain he says just throw his stuff wherever. So our bedroom always has piles of his clothes here and piles of his papers there. I feel like even when I straighten the bed and sweep and all, our room still looks all janky because of his junk.

We already have a hamper in the bedroom for his dirty clothes. The problem is he either doesn’t use it or we get behind on laundry so that it is full. Then he starts throwing stuff on the floor. I do think we need a different storage option for his papers and stuff.

What I need to do is sell him on how the features of a beautiful bedroom will benefit him. Namely, number one way is a happier wife who gets more and better sleep because she sleeps in beautiful surroundings. So less aggravation and nagging for him. Thoughts?

Today we are going to pick out a new comforter and buy a big plant for our bedroom. The Love Nest is getting there!

See more progress on: Create a nurturing love nest with my partner

What Do You Want to See on this Blog?

I'd love to get suggestions and feedback about this blog including what you'd like to see. I'm going to start posting this query for feedback monthly, so if you don't have any suggestions right now but think of some later you can always let me know next month. I'm so excited about this blog because it allows me to express on things that are a big part of my life! as well as help other people. Let me know what you'd like to see here!