Breaking the Cycle

My daughter turns 19 in just a few days. I look at the young woman she is now and I am so amazed. She is full of confidence, energy, and joy. She has a zest for living and reaching for her dreams. I think about the young woman I was at 19, and the contrast is both sad and beautiful. Sad because at 19 I felt trapped in an abusive relationship where I feared for my life but was more afraid of the world. Beautiful because at 19 my daughter does not have such fear; she embraces new challenges and is willing to grow as a person daily. She has a belief in herself and her abilities that I, at age 36, and only just now beginning to master. She has a very nice boyfriend, a wonderful and kind young man she has been dating for a year. He treats my daughter very well and has a great deal of respect for her.

Domestic violence often spans generations, and this is something that could have continued with my daughter. But it hasn't. The cycle started with me and ends with me. My daughter chose another way.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Teens Often Victims

Monica Bentley, a teenager, was shot five times by an abusive man she dated.

From the article:
In Washington, about 12 percent of domestic violence homicides between 1997 and 2006 involved a victim under 20, according to the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 2006 Fatality Review Report.

The report demonstrates a need for earlier education for teens about healthy relationships and identifying abusive or manipulative behavior, said Kelly Starr, the Coalition's communications coordinator.

"Are we addressing teen-dating violence? Are we taking this seriously? Are we addressing this in schools?" she asked.
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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Barack Obama Voting Tuesday March 4th 2008

Cast my vote today in the Ohio primary, yay!



Barack Obama for President 2008

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Repeat Domestic Violence Become Felony

Oh my, they are seeing the light in Texas:

A proposal backed by Governor Richardson to increase domestic violence penalties won approval in the Senate today.

A third conviction of battery on a household member would become a felony, punishable by up to 18 months in prison.

The legislation would make it a third-degree felony -- with a prison sentence of up to three years -- for those convicted of 4 or more offenses.
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Aftermath: Scars

For years after leaving the man who abused me I would not leave the house without lipstick on. Some thought it was in defiance of the years he controlled when I could wear makeup. But that wasn't it. It was because of the scars. Repeated battering had left my lower lip looking permanently bruised, with ugly, dark stains that looked like splotches. I hated them. I was ashamed of my mouth looked. I felt like anyone could look at me and tell I was this dumb girl who let herself get beat up on. With lipstick on, covering evidence of what I went through, I felt almost normal. With lipstick on, I could hold my head up high.

I'm happy to say that after about ten years the bruising faded away, as did other scars. I still have a scar under my left breast where he kicked me with boots on, but that is also fading, as is the ugly scar on my right leg. Day by day they slowly fade away...soon they will be gone. And the only reminders will be the scars on my mind. I'm working on those.

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Another Year Safe

2008 marks the sixteenth year since I left an abusive relationship. When I left I was a deeply frightened young woman running for my life, clutching my daughter in my arms. Before I left I was living in a fog of denial, lost to myself and feeling helpless that my life could be any different. My goals for this blog remain the same: to detail my journey from a pitiful young girl trapped in a destructive relationship as well as posting other information that may help other women leave abusive relationships. Happy New Year to you.

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What Happens To Children Who See Domestic Violence?

I know lots of women stay being abused because they are afraid that breaking up the family is harmful to their child or children. I know I felt this way; I was unable to see how just seeing me getting beat up had a negative affecte on my daughter. This is very interesting, you should definitely check out the whole piece:

Witnessing domestic violence can lead children to develop an array of age-dependent negative effects. Research in this area has focused on the cognitive, behavioral, and emotional effects of domestic violence. Children who witness violence in the home and children who are abused may display many similar psychologic effects. These children are at greater risk for internalized behaviors such as anxiety and depression, and for externalized behaviors such as fighting, bullying, lying, or cheating. They also are more disobedient at home and at school, and are more likely to have social competence problems, such as poor school performance and difficulty in relationships with others. Child witnesses display inappropriate attitudes about violence as a means of resolving conflict and indicate a greater willingness to use violence themselves.
Read More

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Are You An Abuser?

I had a most unpleasant interaction with a man who beat up his fiancee in the comments of this post. My goal with this blog is to understand why I was a willing participant in a sick relationship that nearly took my life. Not to explain the viewpoint of someone who was willing to kill me, as I tried to stress to this man. Still, I believe that though he is still in deep denial about his responsibility in being abusive, I feel he is genuine in his asking for help. Let me make this clear: If you are an abuser, I cannot help you. You need professional help from a counselor who has training and experience in working with abusers. I do not know why you beat your wife or girlfriend. I do not know what went wrong with you or in your relationship.

The only, and I repeat, ONLY advice I have for abusers is to LEAVE the person or people you are abusing alone and immediately seek out advice and help from a professional trained to deal with your emotional problems. Understand, that is not me. I am not an authority on helping abusive men. I am not even an authority on helping abused women. I am an authority on my life and my experience within an emotionally and physically violent relationship I left in 1992. I feel women who are currently going through what I did may be helped by this blog, and that is why it is public. But ultimately this blog is a way for me to work through residual trauma and issues I have remaining from that experience. I may choose to answer a few questions, but this blog is not an advice column for abusers or abused and I will not be used that way.

Some things for you to consider:
what triggered your abusive feelings?
what did you feel the first time you hit her?
why did you continue to hit her?
how did you rationalize this to yourself?

Read this book Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patrica Evans. It's linked on my blog side panel, you can get it from Amazon or check if your local library has it. In the book she explains in detail why some men become abusive.

Also read the FAQS on her site for abuse, it may shed some light on your behavior for you:

http://www.verbalabuse.com/faq.shtml

If you are an abuser I think you would do well to get some therapy for your emotional problems so that you don't repeat this behavior in a future relationship. You don't have to act out your problems on other people; you don't have to be crazy. You have a choice. Therapy really helped me to understand why I sought out abusive situations. It might really help you to understand why you seek to abuse. In the United States some cities offer support groups and free or low-cost counseling for abusers that are available on a volunteer basis. By that I mean you can voluntarily sign up; you don't have to be ordered to by a court or admit to abusing anyone in order to get these services.

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