The First Sunday of Spring

We spent last Sunday, the first Sunday of Spring hanging out in the back yard, roasting veggie dogs (Mercury Man had meat-dogs!!) till it got dark:







Here I am, chilling. It was a beautiful day, really crisp still but the sun was warm and bright. I still needed a jacket!


i-bop ran in and out of the house but mostly she stayed in, a few of her friends dropped by and then they went out. Then s-bop went up to the park with some friends, then t-bop went to play with the little boy next door. So by late afternoon it was just me and Mercury Man, relaxing by the fire. It was really nice, just us two, quietly talking. It's funny how and when it hits me that I have big kids who can go off and socialize on their own and stuff...sometimes I feel sad that soon they'll be grown and gone but other times, like this Sunday, I get a glimpse of my life and relationship with just us two, and it's...nice.

Brian's Graduation

My husband graduated this past Sunday with a Master's degree in Special Education! He actually finished his program back in August and got a pay raise at his teaching position, but I urged him to attend the graduation ceremony because he didn't do it for his bachelor's. It was such a big deal to me to walk across that stage when I got my degree, and I wanted him to experience it. Plus it was a nice thing to do for his parents and grandma. Afterwards we all went out for a nice graduation dinner. Here are a few pics:

Of course we were all last-minute getting there on time (he had to be there an hour before the ceremony) so he was putting his robe on in the parking lot:


The boys during the ceremony (ibop had to work):


Me and Brian, I'm just so proud of him!:


Brian & the boys:

Biking with Brian

My husband is an avid biker, down to the real biking bike and the shorts and special shoes and all. I've been thinking about taking up jogging again and he suggested taking up distance biking with him instead. He said it wouldn't hurt my knees and would tone my legs. I was hesitant. I've tried his bike out before and I fell on it. It's not a regular bike but the kind they use for racing, with the high seat and the clips in the pedals you lock your shoes in and stuff. I fell on it just trying to ride it regular style without the clip shoes.

He got himself a new bike as a graduation present for finishing his master's and kept his old Cannondale for nostalgia as he has had it since he was a teen. I put him off for a few days. Then yesterday he asked me to go biking with him, and looked so disappointed as I wavered I said yes. He grinned and I immediately regretted it! But then I told myself, Just try it. You don't have to like it, but just try it.

First off he tries to get me to wear some spandex biking shorts! Oh. NO. My husband is over 6 feet tall and I am 5 feet 6, but I have bigger thighs than he does and a much, much bigger and rounder rear end. He claimed the padded shorts helped prevent soreness from the seat. I responded that I had natural padding, thank you very much. He sighed. I accused him of wanting me to wear them just so he could make fun of me. He sighed again and said of course not pinkie swear. I said ok fine. I put them on, and I looked ridiculous! There was NO WAY I was going out the house in those. I wore loose jogging pants, a fitted tee, and an old pair of his biking shoes. He made me roll up the leg on the chain side of the bike.

Finally we were ready to go. The kids were over my MIL's house, thank goodness. He helps me get on the Cannondale in the garage, clipping my feet into place. I steadied myself by holding onto the garage door for dear life. Then he makes me unclip and walk the bike to the street. Then we clip on again. Or rather he clips on his bike and instructs me how to clip on without assistance. He clips one of my feet, jumps on his bike and tells me Come on! Just push off and clip the other foot in. He made it sound so easy. So I tried doing just that, and promptly fell over screaming Brian! Brian! I wasn't hurt or anything and it was kinda funny; I lay ther cracking up. So he comes back, helps me up, clips both my feet again and we are finally underway. After just 5 minutes I want to go home and get my regular bike, but I decide to stick it out.

After another fall and near-miss with a stop sign, I finally learn how to get on and off and clip my shoes into place unassisted. I even feel confident enough to speed up a little. I learn how to sit so that my arms aren't supporting all my upper body weight. I learn how to clip out fast and stop, and how to turn. I can see how this could be fun. I watch my husband's face as he instructs me, and he is so happy. He talks non-stop throughout our ride, which is unusual as he is normally not very talkative. I get it, this is a deep source of joy for him, this kind of biking. He is so proud when I am able to clip on and off without assistance, and cheers me on when I speed up.

When we get home I tell him how much fun I had. I thank him for his patience with me. He smiled and said I had fun too. Soon you will be racing down the road with me! and kissed me gently.

Brian is the Best Husband Ever

It’s ten minutes to the game (don’t ask me what game ‘cause I don’t know) and my Brian just raced off to the store to get me some sugar. I have been sick since Sunday and only been able to keep down tea. I was going to eat a little dinner because I am so hungry but the smell of everything made me feel naseous, so I’m sticking to tea. Brian and the boys were all psyched about going over to my MIL’s to see this game. I was making tea and noticed we are out of sugar so I asked him, Hey before ya’ll go will you run to the store and get some sugar? and he was like, But the games about to start! and I was like, Ok so please go right now! and he was like But the games about to start! so I was like Just run in and out! and he was like It’ll take 20 minutes, they never have enough cashiers! and I was like No it won’t just grab the sugar and hit the self-pay aisle! and he was like I hate doing that! (Brian has this weird abhorrence for using the automatic self-checkout aisle, it cracks me up.)

There was about a minute or so of this back and forth.

Then I said you could have been up the street by now…at the first light…going by the old folks’ home…turning in by Wendy’s….Bam! See you coulda been at the store! OMG! and I sulked off and sat at my desk, looking forlorn. I was very mad but I was so naseous my Thunder Trula Frowny Face I use for when I am very mad wouldn’t hold, so I just looked pitifully pathetically put-out. I don’t want to walk up there right now and driving just makes me feel queasier, otherwise I’d go myself.

So then Brian gave out this loud huff and asked the kids if they wanted to go to the store. They said No. He asked them like 3 times, I guess to make sure I heard and understood he was actually going to go to the store for me. OMG! Mr. indirect communicator, right. So I asked him, Are you going to the store for me? and he gave me a gruff, Yeah. I was like Thank you! You are the best husband ever! and he said Yeah, yeah. Boys be ready to go when I get back. As he was going out the door I yelled And we need peanut butter too! he yelled back I’m just getting sugar! Grrrrr!

Ok that’s cool, sugar is all I wanted right now. I am so hungry after nearly 3 days of this I am ready to bite someone’s face off, but everything except sugary tea is making me throw up. Just bring me my sugar, please.

So then he was back in like 5 minutes, came in and threw the bag on the dining-room table. Whatever!! Keep acting simple, I thought, and I won’t talk to you for a week. I looked inside and lo and behold, he got the sugar and the peanut butter. Awwwwww! So I catch him right before he’s out the door and say Wait a minute, I want to give you a hug. He hugs me back and leaves. The boys are all grinning in the car at us, Iyende rolls her eyes at our little drama.

LOL! I am glad he went and I am learning to appreciate him for little things like this. I wish to mother earth he had done it without all the attitude though. He knows how sick I’ve been, I even had to leave a work meeting all early today because of having to throw up, bleh. What in the underworld, I don’t act all funky when he’s a little under the weather. Ok, ok, I’m feeling resentful. Let it go, let it go. I’m going to drink some tea, try eating a little popcorn or crackers, and watch The Next Best Model with Iyende. Who just told me the game in question is the Cavs game.

See more progress on: work on my marriage

Brian is a Slob

There. I said it. I have publicly declared my husband a slob. It gets on my nerves. For many years our bedroom looked like a high school boy’s bedroom. Slowly over time he got rid of or boxed his teenage stuff. When we moved where we live now, our bedroom has a big walk-in closet and a smaller regular closet. We originally shared it but when we almost divorced in 2002 I moved out of the bedroom and downstairs in preparation of moving into a separate house. Then we reconciled, but I just took the smaller closet rather than mix all my stuff in with Brian’s again. Because in the few months our stuff was separate the walk-in closet just exploded with all his clothes and stuff.

I keep our bedroom reasonably clean. I dust and make the bed and sweep the floor and do all the decorating. Sometimes I think my husband is immune to household beauty. He doesn’t seem to care or be fazed by how…blah and junky our bedroom looks. The floor on his side of the bed is all junky with his clothes and papers and shoes and what-all; mine is clear. His closet is a mess, my clothes are all hung or folded. His side of the dresser top is all piled with stuff, mine is neat and organized. It’s not like I’m a neat freak, far from it. I just pick up after myself. I don’t understand why he won’t do the same. If he did it would totally change the ambience of our bedroom.

I got a free calendar from the Wildlife Federation last year filled with large stunning colorful photos of various flora and fauna. Since I already have a planner with a calendar in it and wasn’t going to use the WF calendar, I cut the big photos out and taped them, along with some pics I got from a National Geographic magazine, up along the borders of the walls in our bedroom. I like it a lot myself, and Brian said he likes it. For our curtain originally Brian just threw a sheet! up but I replaced it with a long billowing kinda-sheer white curtain. We have a big plant on the floor and a smaller plant on the other window ledge, which is really long.

I want to do a make-over on our bedroom, and do it with Brian’s participation. He will probably say ‘Oh whatever you want is fine with me’ but I think if he gets involved he will be more likely to help keep our bedroom nice and tidy; welcoming. I want it to be a mix of both our personalities and styles. I think it will be interesting for Brian to discover what he likes as far as decorating. I am sure it really isn’t cardboard boxes and clothes strewn everywhere.

See more progress on: Create a nurturing love nest with my partner

My MIL Rocks

I've ranted before about my mother-in-law. Well this blog is in appreciation of her. She loves her son very much and has bent over backwards to be nice to me even after we had nasty fights. She loves my kids unconditionally and has always treated my 2 older children just like my youngest, who is her actual bio grandchild. I will always be thankful to her for that because I know women whose in-laws don't accept the step-grandchildren as relatives and won't embrace them as family or spend time with them.

She takes the kids almost every week for a day after school, they stay until bedtime. They look forward to this so much, and love her so. She has other traditions for the kids like every christmas season she takes them to the big mall downtown and they spend the day. They have a special breakfast and lunch and go shopping and stuff. She also does special outings for them that me and Brian don't do or can't afford to, like she will take them to the movies often.

She is our emergency contact person for the schools in case they can't reach me or Brian or in case we aren't near home and can come get them, which has happened before with each child. When Scott broke his thumb on the playground a few years ago, I was in the library and had mistakenly turned my cell phone off rather than on silent/vibrate. Once Todd had a very high fever and I was working 20 miles away, so she went and got him. Iyende had mild food poisoning and Brian and I were both working, so she went and got her and took care of her.

She is a good cook and has given me some really good recipes over the years. and she taught me how to make apple sauce! :) She has also given us a lot of nice and useful gifts like a microwave and rice cooker, and plenty of clothing for the kids. A few times when we were short on cash and had little food she would give us food after bringing the kids back home, saying stuff like, This is way to much for just us two (like a 20 pound bag of rice) can ya'll use it? Or I had a taste for oranges but we can't eat up all of these (like 3 bags clementine oranges). To this day I don't know if she knew (because Brian and I were both too ashamed and proud to ask either of our families) how little food we had or if she was just being nice. Very kind either way.

I am very glad I have her to depend on and help me with raising our kids. She is a wonderful woman and excellent grandmother. I was musing about having another baby and posted a pic of me and Brian from when Todd was a newborn the other day, these are from the same set of pics. I love this pic of her and actually have it hanging in my kitchen. Seeing it again close up though I realized how big a part she is in my kids' lives and how much that means to me, hence the appreciation blog. My MIL is an ok lady:



My father-in-law holding Todd in this one, Brian is holding Scott (who had just turned 3 four days before!) and Iyende is in front. She was 8:

Oh My God, We Were So Young

This pic is from 1997, our son Todd was a day old! I was 25 and my husband Brian 23. We were so young and full of pep. Now we go to bed at 10pm, sometimes 9pm, if we have to get up early in the morning ha ha ha. I feel so ambivalent about having another baby, and so does Brian. Do we have enough energy, now that we are 34 and 32? Sure, we are both in great shape. But mentally, the thought of chasing after a toddler makes me feel tired. and the constant in-your-face, having to think about a baby all the time, man. I am not sure I am up for that.

This past Sunday we laid in bed until around 11am. It’s so nice having big kids. It’s so nice that they can get up and get their cereal and watch cartoons and just all 3 hang out together. I remember when the boys were small, they’d bust right into our room and climb all in the bed, bringing their cereal and crumbs and toys with them while Iyende trooped around our room singing at the top of her lungs. Or smaller still, the feeding and the diaper-changing and the throw-up. Bleeehhhh, I don’t know anymore.

We laid in bed Sunday morning discussing this, completely ambivalent. Do we not want another baby? maybe not. Do we want another baby? maybe.

See more progress on: have another baby

Brian & Todd Being Silly

toddbrian
Originally uploaded by trulastar.

This is one of my favorite pics of my husband, Brian, and our little boy Todd. It cracks me up!!

Listen

I often feel impatient when listening to Brian talk. I tend to interrupt him. We both have a bad habit of interrupting each other and of finishing each other’s sentences. Yesterday we had a nice time talking, I made a conscious effort not to interrput him. I learned a very powerful lesson: I am not psychic and I do not always know what my husband is going to say.

I did not realize how much I assumed about his thoughts. He also talked differently with me yesterday, he didn’t interrupt me either. It was nice, and interesting.

‘Course this morning we were back in our long married mode of communication, talking to each other in a series of grunts and half-words and unfinished sentences. I appreciate that too, as neither of us is particularly garrulous in the early morning. But I also value that we are learning to talk to each other anew.

See more progress on: Improve my marriage

Higher Love

I love this song Higher Love by Steve Winwood. I love it! I remember it captured exactly how I was feeling before I got with my husband. and the feeling of exultation I felt when I realized that he was my higher love.

Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is a wasted time
Look inside your heart, I’ll look inside mine
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

Worlds are turning and we’re just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone
A yearning, and it’s real to me
There must be someone who’s feeling for me
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring be a higher love
I could rise above on a higher love

I will wait for it
I’m not too late for it
Until then, I’ll sing my song
To cheer the night along
Bring it…oh bring it…

I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire
Let me feel that love come over me
Let me feel how strong it could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

See more progress on: Improve my marriage

A story about "Jack LaLane Power Juicer"

Jack LaLane Power Juicer

by Jack LaLane

Brian got me this for my birthday and I just love it. We have been juicing fools as of late! This thing is so cool, you can throw in whole pieces of fruit without peeling or cutting. It gets so much juice out, I am amazed. And you can use the leftover pulp! I just made some lemon bars using the pulp and some muffins (that pulp was apple, grape, carrot, and peach). Oh my goodness.

See more about Jack LaLane Power Juicer

Smile

I need to smile at my husband more. Just smile at him and ask him how he is doing more often. I take him for granted so much. And I need to touch him more often, not be afraid to just touch him and hug him. I am not as affectinate with Brian as I would like to be because he often tries to turn a hug into sex. A simple kiss into a tongue kiss, which then turns into more. Then when I say No he’s all disappointed, and I can tell he’s thinking Well why did you even start anything. Except I didn’t! I just gave him a hug or a little kiss. Sigh. I need to be more clear with my boundaries from jump, and he needs to respect that a hug is often just a hug. Not an invitation. I will talk to him about this tonight.

See more progress on: Improve my marriage

Cuteness Helps

My husband is lucky I think he is so cute. He is really getting on my nerves lately. But then he grins at me and his smile just melts my heart.

See more progress on: Improve my marriage

White Flag

I love the song ‘White Flag’ by Dido, it reminds me of how I feel about Brian and this marriage of ours. I won’t ever give up on our love. I will always love him so.

That said, the man gets on my nerves sometimes.

He opened up to me about some issues he’s having with his work, and
I appreciate that. I kinda got frustrated because he did not handle the problem the way I would have. That got on my nerves. I expressed that frustration, and I think he felt I was criticizing him. Which I guess I was. I can totally see how I get on his nerves as well. Ack.

See more progress on: Improve my marriage

Every Day

I have heard and read that the best way to improve your marriage is to try each day to make life easier and better for your spouse. I am going to try implementing this.

See more progress on: Improve my marriage

A Few Pics of The Man I Live With

Last August at the beach:

Last summer at Cedar Point:

This past June just chillin' out on the balcony:

My sweetie with the kids (this was right before I-bop got her mohawk):

The Man I Live With, Part 7

The man I live with gets things done. If the lawn needs to be mowed, he gets up and does it. He may groan while he's getting up, but he does it. Unlike me he doesn't spend time making long lists and then tackling each chore as if it were a ferocious monster that needs to be wrestled to the ground at great speed. The man I live with goes through his daily chores at a slow and methodical pace. I have learned a lesson from his tortoise ways.

He is able to live in the moment. When we are altogether as a family, just hanging out having dinner, I love to look over at him and see in his smile that he enjoys our family life as much as I do. We tell each other with our eyes: It doesn't get any better than this. In the night in our big bed he likes to cuddle with me after love and I feel our shared contentment.

The man I live with does not cook much, but when he does it is perfection. He has this ability to cook popcorn on the stove and cooking every last kernal without any of it getting burned. I have watched the man I live with do this, and he has a zen-like contentment with cooking that amazes me. He never seems hurried or rushed. The meals he makes for us are special. The kids always say Mom you can cook but dad should cook all the time. We all look at him and smile, and he looks pleased and flustered at the same time. Thanks, he says, and smiles.

The Man I Live With, Part 6

The man I live with is kinda hard to shop for. Although he is, for the most part, simple in his wants and needs. Everything he likes he already has plenty of, or it's out of our budget right now. I would like to get him some nice new nifty gadget for his ibook. He already has an ipod but I'm sure there's other neat Mac stuff available. He is a photographer sometimes, I'd also like to get him some new camera equipment.

He teases me all the time about my near-fetish for thick cotton socks - I have poor circulation so wear socks all the time for my cold feet - I'm all the time taking his socks whenever I'm out or lose them or whatever. I change my socks 2 -3 times a day and practically drool over thick cotton socks. He affectionately calls me his sock thief or the sock bandit. So I had to get the man I live with a bunch of socks, inside I put 'from your sock thief'.

He likes thick wooly sweaters in the winter so I got a few of those, and sewed him a throw to wear around in the old drafty house we live in. And I got him tools to replace the ones our sons lost this past summer tinkering around in the garage and working on their crafts and stuff. One more thing, I'll go out tomorrow to search for something that feels like him.
He has been so sweet so far this winter, which really means a lot to me. He takes the kids out alot and plays with them in the snow. The man I live with has done most of the holiday shopping, calling me frequently from his cell asking What should he get? How about this? I am grateful, I hate go out in winter weather. Earlier today he caught me around the waist and yelled 'Mistletoe!' holding up a sprig from the Christmas tree. I laughed and laughed, then kissed him hard.

Trying To Conceive

Brian and I have decided to have another little one. A new person. A child. A baby. Who will it be? I sense this new person hovering around my edges, all ready to be born.

This is my youngest's second full year of school all day. Last year he was in all-day kindergarten, which was Brian's idea. I was working a full-time night job and he felt I wouldn't get any sleep, he insisted that Todd be in school all day. Scott was in 3rd and Iyende was in 9th. After I saw my baby was happy at school I relaxed and reveled in the calm and quiet of 7. uninterrupted. hours. all day. Some days I slept the whole time they were gone, other days I wrote the whole time they were gone. Sometimes I'd go visit their schools and wander around, peeking into their classrooms. At the boy's school it was cool as other moms visited and helped in the classes and stuff, but at the high school I was usually the only mama wandering around.

This past weekend they were over Brian's mom's house most of the time. They went over Saturday afternoon and came home late Sunday evening at bedtime. Saturday night Brian and I fooled around and did our naked running about we usually do when the kids are gone, then slept in Sunday and laid in bed until close to 2 in the afternoon. It's so nice having big children. We asked each other, do you remember what it was like when the boys were small? Remember we couldn't do this? I can remember, but it seems so faint. Sitting with my friend's new baby it just doesn't seem real to me how exhausting little ones can be, it couldn't have been that bad for me, I think...but it was, it was. I am blessed in that my children have always been, for the most part, fun and happy kiddies, but even still there was crying, there was drama, there was spitting and throw-up and shit and snot and fevers and no sleep no sleep no sleep no sleep. Am I ready for that again? YES.

Todd will be 7 when this new one comes to earth, Scott will be 10, and Iyende 16. It will be nice to have 3 big helpers with the baby, especially the boys. I remember Iyende was a big help at their ages. I don't know how much help Iyende will be, she's so busy! with school and her activities and friends. She is a good kid, though, I know she will help as much as I ask and go out of her way to help if I don't ask. She does that with the boys, now. Sometimes she'll turn down invitations from her friends and spend a weekend afternoon hanging out with her brothers. This is a big deal and treat for them, they love to play video games with her or paint with her or show her their skateboarding tricks. I will have to be careful not to ask her for too much help when the new baby comes, I don't want to take away from her fun and teenage life.

So this pushes to the back burner a few other things I wanted to do...no more body piercing for awhile, and depending on when I get pregnant we won't go to Burning Man next year. Everything else I think we can still do, just have to adjust for flying and such. I am more than a little scared as pregnancy and labor has always been hard for me...I always need years and years between kids for that reason. Plus my nerves are bad, I am prone to post-partum depression. Still, I feel there is one more Trula Kid inside me, with big brown eyes and lots of hair and quick-witted with surprising kindness...come out, come out, your family is waiting for you.

The Man I Live With, Part 5

The man I live with taught me to drive. It started when we became friends. I was 22 with a kindegartner and a new baby, going to school and working off and on. My sister watched my baby for me and my daughter was in half-day kindergarten. After I dropped her off I would take the train downtown and go to class, then go pick her up from school and go back to my school for 2 afternoon classes. Sometimes my cousin would meet me at school and take her, sometimes she'd go to class with me. I had a few minutes before leaving my morning class before going to pick up my daughter, so I'd go to my hang-out spot and shoot the shit with my friends. The man I live with began asking me, Hey you want a ride? I can run you up the hill. I said yes and it became a regular thing, him taking me to pick up my daughter. She would sing us her kindergarten songs all the way back downtown.

When we we were still just friends he would also take me and other friends grocery shopping and to the laundrymat. He would come by in the morning to take me to school. Once we started dating he drove me everywhere. He took a lot of pride in this, being able to do so much for me, but after awhile he said you really, really need to learn to drive. I was scared but said ok. The man I live with took me to parking lots with few cars in them and slow country roads to practice driving on and to a high school driving cone set-up. He was very patient and kind with me as I sorta freaked out a bunch of times. He went over over the same things repeatedly, and after I went on the highway the first time he bought me a very sweet card which I still have.

I got my license on my 25th birthday! After I had passed the test I was shaking all over, and the man I live with jumped up when I came in and gave me a big hug before I even said anything. He said he knew I had passed because my eyes were shining and the testing examiner was smiling. The man I live with bought me flowers and took me out to dinner. He told me he knew I could do it and he was so very proud of me. He stood up and announced to everyone in the restaurant how I had just got my license and how proud of me he was. Everyone clapped and clapped and after they heard it was also my birthday cheered and whistled. Now I whizz all over town and drive all over the country in a heartbeat, which amazes me when I think about it because I was so terrified of driving. I have him to thank, his confidence in me was such a gift. It is a sign of love he continually gives me. In the eyes of the man I live with I can do anything I set my mind to. This bolsters my own self-confidence. His love and encouragement of me is my strength.

The Man I Live With, Part 4

The man I live with is very intense. He is present in all that he does and takes my attention when we are together. When we are together I feel our edges blend. At times this frightens me so I withdraw to nurture my identity. For this reason he is the pursuer in this relationship. And he pursues me relentlessly.

There is sex and there is making love. When we love the man I live with holds me in his arms and watches me with his eyes and begins his moves. At times he likes to be aloof, tuning my body like a violinist preparing for a concert. The man I live with is very skillful. I feel like a car under the hands of a master mechanic. He is not satisfied until he has felt me clench over and over again, until I have have become dazed from his tongue. Then he continues the journey inside my body.

At times he lies back and is still, allowing me to touch and kiss all his tender spots, allowing me to stroke his body gently until he trembles. The man I live with does not like to be vulnerable, so I treasure these times as rare gifts. At the height of his ecstasy his pupils dilate, making him look drugged and spacey.

In the night when I can't sleep sometimes I roam about the house and yard. Or I'll get on the computer. Sometimes the man I live with comes and sits up with me. Sometimes we sit on the balcony together and watch the stars. Sometimes he'll stand beside me when I'm on the computer and take my wrist and say, Come to bed. Once there he holds me tight, all night long.

The Man I Live With, Part 3

The man I live with has pale skin that does not tan well. At the first sign of spring he walks around topless, his skin pale as the belly of some deep underwater fish. His absence of color makes him look anemic sometimes. When I trace his green veins traveling acoss his body, he says, God, I can't wait to get some sun.

Months go by. Finally summer bursts upon us and his skin begins to brown. Sometimes the man I live with will 'forget' to use sun block and his back and arms sport an angry rash-like surface, red as a lobster. When his skin peels it's like crepe paper flaking on the bed. After this his skin turns a light brown, and he looks like a glowing golden boy. His light brown hair takes on a bronze sheen, and you can no longer see all his veins. People stare at him and ask him out a lot in the summer. Ah, vanity, thy name is Brian. For this summer color the man I live with will burn. And burn again, until his skin surrenders.

The man I live with has a naturally high body temperature. After a day of sun it seems he is even hotter. He's like a glowing ember in the night, charged like a battery from the sun. He kicks our light comforter to the floor in his sleep. When we spoon he feels like a hot towel fresh from the dryer.

The Man I Live With, Part 2

The man I live with says 'hey baby' when he sees me. He likes a tongue kiss as soon as he gets home from work and he likes to squeeze my bottom. Once he lightly tapped my bum when hugging me goodbye when my parents were visiting, my dad pretended not to notice. I was mortified. I hissed, Brian! in his ear and he sheepishly mumbled, sorry. The entire visit he was on eggshells around my dad. I think he thought my dad would be upset or something, but he wasn't.

If it's not too hot or cold outside the man I live with likes to take a long bike ride. When he gets home he tells me about his travels. He has a very observant eye for detail. I tell him he should write. He says, maybe. After his bike ride he likes to take a quick shower and lounge around. I lean against his legs and think of them riding. He rides fast and I ride slow so we do not often take bike rides together. When we do he says, Whoa, Nellie! and Hey Now, You're an All-Star and other things he finds funny. I am not usually amused by this. Sometimes I ask him to slow down and he does. Sometimes he asks me to speed up and I do. After we come home and shower we like to rub each other down with lotion. I say, I love your long lean body. He says, I love your big thick thighs and soft skin.

The man I live with had long hairs growing in odd places on his body when he was younger. Once when we were just friends at college, me and our other friend Lisa held him down at school during the big spring fest right on the lawn in front of the science building. We pulled up his shirt and laughed at his weird long hairs, one lone hair growing low on his chest and another on his back. We tugged at them and said, what the fuck is that all about? and laughed and laughed. He shrugged and laughed with us, his face red and flushed, his eyes twinkling. You could tell he was pleased with all the attention. A few other women we didn't know came over and played with his hair and told him how cute he was, he grinned and grinned. Later we went into the big ballon jumping booth and jumped around, turning somersaults and throwing air balls at each other. I told the man I live with how fun he was and I hoped we'd always be friends. He said, I will be your friend forever.

The Man I Live With, Part 1

The man I live with has hot, hot skin. He feels like a heating pad. In the winter this is very nice. I love to slip under the covers and melt into his skin, it's like we have our own private hothouse under the heavy winter blankets. I am never cold when I am with him. Now that it's hot outside I still like a comforter, but the man I live with emits such heat it soon ends up on the floor. During love his sweat drops on my face. He sweats when he sleeps. We keep the windows open and in the moonlight I like to watch the fan play air over his body, cooling him down.

The man I live with has a rich inner life. He is a private person, but occasionally lets me into his mind. I am fascinated by the twists and turns of his thoughts. He can be shallow and deep in the space of a few words. In that way we are alike. My sleep opposite, he knows sleep as intimately as a lover. They have a long and powerful acquaintence. He likes my analogy of sleep being like drowning and says I shouldn't fight it, I should slip gently into sleep and willingly swim into it's depths. I have seen the man I live with sleep 12 hours at a stretch a few times. He claims never to remember his dreams.

Do Not Wake Me Up

One of the things that Brian does that grates on my nerves is he likes to wake me up in the morning when he's feeling amorous. This really, really bothers me. I have chronic insomnia. I do not sleep well. Once asleep, it's touch and go if I stay asleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch. Once asleep, please let me sleep.

Especially since we fooled around twice the night before! See, I love fooling around just as much as Brian does. I'm a sex-positive woman. I'm young and healthy, everything works. My husband is not starved for physical attention; I do not ration it out or dole it out as a favor or withold sex to punish him. Whenever he hears about the frequency of the 'average' married couple he laughs, because we are way above average. So I don't understand why this man feels compelled to wake me up for romping around and then acts as if he's being deprived when I am justifiably offended at being woken up. I told him this morning that one of these days he's going to wake me up and I'm going to stab him in the neck with a pen. I was only half-joking.

I cannot describe to you the rage I felt this morning. How dare he wake me up!! If there is one person on this earth who knows my struggles with sleep, it's Brian. He's been there through years of my tossing and turning. He's seen the effects of lack of sleep on my personality. He's tried to help me, he's made me countless cups of herbal tea, he's sang me quiet songs, he's rubbed my back. He's cradled me in his arms and stroked my face as if I were a baby. He knows, he knows how hard it is for me to fall asleep. He's willingly adjusted his own sleeping habits to help me, from closing the window to turning off the radio to sleeping under mounds of covers. He's seen me diligently try to develop better sleeping habits. I've been trying very hard to sleep at least 6 hours a day and some nights I've been successful at falling back asleep after my four hour wake-up.

Now I do empathize with my husband's plight. I am very cute and alluring and I have a curvy body. I use scrubby gloves when I wash and I lotion my body from head to foot every day so I have soft, soft skin. I have long curly eyelashes that appear to rest on my cheekbones when I sleep, and my full lips naturally curve into a come-hither pout. Some mornings I look crunchy but most of the time I am a vision of loveliness and delectable to the touch. I can see how anybody sleeping next to me would be overcome with passion, I really do. But when I'm sleeping, you keep your passion to yourself! Because I need all the sleep I can get.

After Brian got up and got dressed I explained to him how I felt. To my credit I did not shout or use harsh language or call him names, something I might have done in the past. I calmly asked him not wake me up and explained how hurt and angry it made me feel; how insulted I felt that he was acting as if his being aroused was more important than my getting the sleep I need. He said ok. That's it! Ok. No apology, no seeming like he was even listening. We'll see tomorrow morning if he was listening, all right. I've got my pen.

The Mother-In-Law Pledge

I was reading over at Hip Mama about a poster having trouble with her husband's mother. Just after I finished writing my two cents on the subject, my friend Amy called to bitch about her mother-in-law. Then I called my friend Diane E. to see if she can come to my graduation party, and she starts going off about her mother-in-law. Is there something in the water? What's the deal?

I kinda had to laugh at Amy because she was one of my friends who acted like I was completely stupid for moving around the corner from Brian's mom. But then what does she do? Last year before Christmas they moved, you guessed it, a block away from her in-laws. I was actually expecting the shit to hit the fan much earlier. I have to give Amy a lot of props for holding it down for so long.

Things are a lot better between me and Brian since we almost divorced in 2002. Because I chose to stay married to him and because she is a good grandmother who loves my children, I am trying to be a good person and forgive and forget how mean his mother was to me but it is very hard. I am not a good person, I guess. This is a woman who is the primary reason why my husband refused to move to San Diego, our intended city of choice, after promising me for years and years. This is a woman who pitched a fit after I asked her not to buy or give my children toy guns. This is a woman who told Brian I was lazy!! after I had to quit a job even though the doctor ordered me to and I was very close to being hospitalized. I could go on.

Instead of focusing on the negative I'm going to use my experiences and those of my friends as daughters-in-law to develop The Mother-In-Law Pledge. I will use this pledge in the future for when my children are married. Keep in mind this is a rough draft (still respect my copyright), I will refine and amend this ASAP. Ok, here goes:

1. I will understand my child is grown. I cannot do the job of raising him or her anymore. I will understand that now is the time for my child to be united with his or her partner, not with me. I will not feel jealousy or feel slighted now that I am no longer the most important person in my child's life. Instead, I will understand that I did an excellent job in raising a person who is willing to undertake the difficult joy of partnering with another human being.

2. I will respect my child's partner. This may not be the person I would have chosen or envisioned for my child. I will understand, however, that this is the person my child has chosen to partner with in this life.

3. I will stay out of my child's relationship. I will understand that the only people who really know everything that goes on in a marriage are the 2 people involved in it. I will respect my child's feelings of hurt, anger, or sadness during times of stress in his or her marriage and I will comfort my child, but I will not call his or her spouse names or in other ways disparage their character, nor will I suggest that they separate or divorce (unless violence is involved). I will understand that my child is not perfect and has probably done an equal share of contributing to problems in his or her marriage.

4. I will do my best to make my child's partner feel welcome and included into our family. I will invite him or her to all family events and I will include him or her in the conversations. I will not seat my son or daughter-in-law separate from the rest of the family, and I will not insist that my child sit with me.

5. I will give gifts to my child and his or her partner and their children with an open heart. I will not ever use gift-giving against them or fling it back in their faces how much I have given them. I will understand my child and son or daughter-in-law owe me nothing for anything material I have given them, and that my gifts do not give me any right to meddle in their parenting or marital business.

6. I will understand that my time of parenting is over. I will not go against my child or his or her partner's parenting decisions regarding my grandchildren. If I truly feel the need to parent again, I will adopt or foster a child.

7. I will befriend my child's partner; I will call just to speak to him or her. I will acknowledge his or her birthday. I will try to get to know him or her as a separate person apart from being married to my child.

8. I will respect the space and privacy of my child and his or her partner. I will not go to their home un-invited. I will not open their mail, I will not move their furniture about, I will not cook their food, etc. I will not even do a bit of tidying up, because my son or daughter-in-law may take this as a reflection on their housekeeping skills. If I feel compelled to comment on the state of their house, I will remember what it's like to have children in a household and how hard it is to keep a house perfectly clean with children around. I will remember that I did not always keep a clean and tidy home then.

9. I will not make plans for, with, or about my grandchildren without first consulting both my child and his or her partner. I will not make promises to my grandchildren about places I will take them or things I will buy them without first talking it over with my child and his or her partner. I will understand that not doing so only causes resentment and anger from my child and son or daughter-in-law and grief and confusion for my grandchild if it turns out they cannot go.

10. I will remember my own experiences as a daughter-in-law and never, ever, ever make any future daughter or son-in-law of mine feel slighted, embarrassed, ashamed, or hurt. I will treat my son or daughter-in-law exactly how I want my child treated by his or her in-laws.

Called up both Amy and Diane to read this to them. They said they wanted copies; one for themselves and one for their mothers-in-law.

Valentine's Day 2004

Man, Valentine's Day was great!!! We had so much fun, it was crazy. I'll not discuss what we did, it's personal, dont'cha know, but suffice it to say that this was the best Valentine's Day we have had in YEARS. I think the only V-day that was better than this was our very first one, Valentine's day 1996. We had out first date that night and have been together ever since.

I just love Brian so much. He really put a lot of thought and effort into making sure I had a good time, and I think I did as well. We were both so pleased.

So Sweet...tender

Brian has been so tender lately, so sweet to me. Before I got married, almost everyone who was married gave me the same advice...they told me that marriage is a series of highs and lows. The lows nearly wipe me out. But the highs...it's scary and exhilerating all at the same time. It's like riding on a roller coaster, being with him, it's such an adventure. He's such an intense person, he's like a blazing candle, my own flame that flares just for me. Seeing his face light up when he sees me... I can't tell you what that makes me feel.

When things are like this I catch myself holding my breath. It's not that I don't trust in us, in our relationship, in our being all in love and close again. It's that I realize how close we came to losing each other.

He's the man. My man.

Who Are You?

I'll be 32 next month. I met Brian when I was 22. Going on 10 years of knowing this man, 8 years of being together, next May marks our 5th year wedding anniversary, and I'm just now realizing how little (and how much!) I know about him.

We got into a nasty fight a few weeks ago. Ok, the washer is broken. So ok, we've been jerking around getting another washing machine in the house. So ok, a laundrymat is right around the corner, no biggie. But hey! the dryer still works fine. So I'm washing a few things out by hand one fine morning because I was in a time crunch. I had to be at my 3rd shift job at 10pm, Iyende was in a school play that started at 7pm, I had some prep work to do for a site design free-lance job I got that had to be done by 5pm, and I had to write a paper for school that was already late. And yeah, I needed to catch at least 2 hours of sleep, too, and spend quality time with the kids. I simply did not have time to go to the laundrymat that day. In addition to an outfit I still needed clean drawers, right? Not like I'm a stickler for wearing drawers all the time, but sheesh, last thing I need is to have a stroke or something at work and folks discover I got no panties on. This might be America, but I might as well be under the fucking taliban when it comes to a mother and a wife's supposed immorality if she's found to have no drawers on.

Anyway, I was wringing everything out real tight, and Brian has a fit when I put them in the dryer, actually came down in the basement, took my clothes out of the dryer, and flung them all around the basement after I told him he was being silly for not wanting me to use the dryer. Now, maybe you have a nice and tidy basement, but we live in an old, old house with an old-school, dirty cellar floor, leaks-when-it rains basements. So my clothes got all dirty.

I was upset, but I just picked them up and told him he was being silly and I was just going to wash them again and put them in the dryer again, so what was he gonna do? Old boy then unplugged the dryer, followed me upstairs, took my dirty clothes that I was going to re-wash and then flung them outside over the balcony!!! All the while raving incoherently about how I was going to "burn the house down" because I was putting sopping wet clothes into the dryer. Whatever! I did wring everything out tight-tight, in all honesty they were probably wrung much tighter than a washing machine would have done. I was broke-poor for years, washed my clothes in the tub for years long before I met Brian because I didn't even have enough ends to go to a laundry mat, so I know about wringing out clothes. Ya heard?!

One thing I valued about Brian, as a friend and then as my man, was that he was quiet and capable and seemed to be emotionally balanced all the time. He seemed like a peaceful man, a peace-loving man, something I craved and needed. Now 10 years later he's throwing my stuff out the window? I watched him raving and wondered, who is this man? Where did he come from?

Later he apologized to the kids for pitching such a fit, and much later apologized to me. I apologized as well, 'cause really it was no big deal. I think if he had asked me nicely from jump I would have been like, ok, fine. But he came down the basement all sarcastic and condescending, saying stupid stuff to me like, you're gonna start a fire. What? That still cracks me up, I mean HOW can you start a fire putting wet clothes into a DRYER. That is the machine's function, to DRY clothes. Ok. It's over and done with.

It was such a stupid fight and a complete waste of my time, and the kids were just appalled. At Iyende's play I didn't even say a word to him, I was actually surprised he even came to sit with me and the boys. Knowing Brian like I do I figured he just picked a fight in the first place so that he could have an excuse to sit with his mom during the play instead of me. He's got loyalty issues like you wouldn't believe, but that's a whole 'nother story. (And one battle I've surrendered: Ok, so I'm number 2 woman in his life. Mom is number 1. I got it. I'm over it.) Guess I was wrong. I'm still wondering what that fight was really all about...maybe he really believed I'd start a fire or something, maybe I should just take him at face value. But after nearly a decade of knowing my husband, he rarely says anything out-right, he always means something else. Sigh. Ok, it's over and done with, I should quit thinking about it.

Communication Improvement

So Brian and I have been communicating better, which is saying a lot. We have vastly different communication styles. I come from a family where people are very direct and will say any and everything to your face. My family members are also very open with their feelings. Brian comes from a family where direct communication is seen as being confrontational. I am not sure exactly how they get things across to one another, because Brian acts like I am supposed to know what the heck he means by osmosis or innuendo or something. This does not work very well with me because with talking I am a very direct, literal person, a lot of implied stuff goes way over my head.

I am pleased as punch though because lately Brian has really been making an effort to be more direct with me, and I have to give myself a little pat on the back because I have made a real and sincere effort to not be so 'confrontational' with him. The past 3 months or so have been hard but it's getting to the point where we talk more freely with each other. It feels more natural now, not like we're constantly watching our words out of fear of offending the other person.

He is so sweet and funny, the other day I asked him something, I forget what, and he was about to answer with some long, convulated speech which would not have answered my question anyway and then he just smiled, took a deep breath, and gave me a simple, Yes. Hallelujah! I have never gotten a simple yes or no answer from Brian about anything before, I kid you not. But I didn't make a big wacky deal out of it or act stupid or anything, I just said, Thank you, sweetie, gave him a kiss, and left it at that.

Let The Fun Begin

One of the biggest causes of problems in our marriage is that we quit 'dating' each other. When we first started dating and even when we were just friends we spent a lot of time going out, hanging out with friends, going to parties, etc. Well, not a lot of time because of the kids, but enough. Then after a year of dating we decided to live together. We became a family, me, Brian, and the kids, and this intensified after Todd was born. After 2 years of living together we decided to get married.

I can remember how happy and content we were, and how bored we were with other people when we did go out. We were truly content just staying home and being together, having family fun time with the kids. This was all fine and good, but somewhere along the line we just quit going out together alone, just us two. Oh we'd catch a movie every now and then, like once a year, but that was about it. We stopped socializing together. Most of my friends are not Brian's friends and vice versa. I'm planning a book launch party and when making up the guest list I realized that many of my friends Brian doesn't even know! This makes me sad.

We are both trying new things and trying to get out of our rut. Brian is taking up Scuba diving and I am going to learn to tango. Really, for real tango. I'm also going to start having my friends and Brian's friends over for dinners. It's time we each got to know these people. Most important, we are going to go out this weeked, on a real date. Wish us luck!

Reconciliation

Guess I spoke too soon. We have decided to stay together, work things out. He loves me, and I love him. We have a family to think about as well. Neither of us wants to break up without really trying for our relationship.

Maybe it will all work out?

Maybe we'll be ok?